Death of my heart

[RachelG]

Hello,

I hope you are able to find some peace through all of your sorrow.
When we lost our first precious boy, I didn't think I was going to make it. It took years for me to
start to move on. To this day, I have never gotten over losing him & it feels like he was just here
with me yesterday.
Things will get easier, but, He made an imprint on your heart & soul which will forever be with you.
You will never forget, but, in time, the pain & sadness will be in the background & you can handle
it better. I'm not sure that it ever really goes away, it just gets dull so you can move on. I believe
that Lenny will find you again, he will seek you out.
I made a little photo album with our first one & it did help me.

Tracie

Today's different

Hello,

Just checking on you to see how you were doing....

That is a very cute picture, he looks very lazy there!

Tracie

Hello,

Thank you for asking, I have wanted to talk about it a few times these last couple days, but nobody understands except for on here. I'm doing better, in a lot of ways. It's different than it was the first few days. It's not quite like living in a nightmare anymore... it's more like the world is colored gray.

The comment with the pic of someone else's beardie hit me a certain way at first, and I almost deleted it because no other pet could take my thoughts from Lenny, and I wasn't exactly expecting it. It did lead me to finally bring myself to look at pictures of my beautiful boy, and I was surprised to find so much comfort in them. He went everywhere with me, he traveled with us, he had family time with us, he was integrated into every aspect of my life, from mundane to momentous. He is so loved, to this day.

I have made/planned/ordered further memorial items so that I can keep Lenny with me alw ays, but I still get hit with those shocks of sadness that I can't believe I'm memorializing him and I want him back. I'm sure I always will.

My son had progressed in a different way, and he has hinted that although nothing would replace Lenny, we sure had a lot of love and supplies for a (new) beardie. I told him that I'm not ready but it stuck in my head. Lenny was an (unexpected) gift that my dad gave my son over Thanksgiving break all those years ago when we visited my family in El Paso. I'm pretty sure he came from a pet shop, but my dad has never been forthcoming about his origin. Lenny was so tiny and we had never had reptiles before! I had asked how old he was, so that I could figure how to care for him and my dad said 6-8 weeks (questionable). Now, considering this, I figure Lenny's birthdate and death date are pretty dang close, but for the year. Suddenly, the prospect of a new baby isn't as horrible. A beardie hatched after Lenny's passing would be about 7-8 weeks old over Thanksgiving break, old enough to bring home? Maybe I'm being crazy and grasping at straws again, but the timeline seems like it might mean... something. A new baby could never fill the lizard-shaped hole in my heart, but maybe it could fill the hole in our house.

This is Lenny on our trip to El Paso over the 4th of July this year.

 

[Chris.]

Lenny will probably never be replaced but I like your idea of taking in a new dragon. With all the things you have learned along the way and the obvious love you share with your animals it would be a blessing for this dragon to be welcomed into your life. Imo you should continue Lennys legacy by passing it on to an other beardie, if that makes sense
Maybe just give it a little more time to process and think it through and not rush anything.

I'm glad you are doing better right now!

 

[AHBD]

I've been thinking of you and like others here was soon going to check to see how you are doing . How beautiful these pics are ! Lenny was a real mug, look at him like a boss in those pics ! Not only that but the surroundings are beautiful.
What you've mentioned are the feelings of by other pet owners that have lost a special one.....that no pet can take their place but they make a new place, bringing new life, fun, excitement to your home and giving a new beardie a needed good home as it's obvious how caring your family is. Think about it and do what you feel, I'm sure at some point a new beardie will be in your future.

 

[xp29]

He was a gorgeous boy. Me myself I am slightly ocd. (My girlfriend is very ocd) when i lost Puff it nearly killed us both, being obsessive the only relief was getting another beardie (2 if fact) Zen and Chomp. It doesn't fill the hole, but it gives you something else to focus on. Chomp very quickly became inseparable from me. (I'm tearing up trying to write this) When I lost her I was going out if my head, she was fine when I went to work and dying when I got home. My girlfriend draged me to every reptile shop in town. There is about 10 here. We came across Snicker Doodles and brought her home. Her personality is so much like Champs I sometimes still call her Chomp. The point I'm trying to make is, even though a new baby won't be your Lenny you'll find you fall in love with it also. My advice would be go to the reptile stores if possible and see if someone stands out to you and your son. Zen abd Chomp both did, and so did Snicker Doodles. Beardies have a way of grabbing out hearts don't settle find the one that fits you.

 

[J4ckdaw-]

Today's different



Hello,

Thank you for asking, I have wanted to talk about it a few times these last couple days, but nobody understands except for on here. I'm doing better, in a lot of ways. It's different than it was the first few days. It's not quite like living in a nightmare anymore... it's more like the world is colored gray.

The comment with the pic of someone else's beardie hit me a certain way at first, and I almost deleted it because no other pet could take my thoughts from Lenny, and I wasn't exactly expecting it. It did lead me to finally bring myself to look at pictures of my beautiful boy, and I was surprised to find so much comfort in them. He went everywhere with me, he traveled with us, he had family time with us, he was integrated into every aspect of my life, from mundane to momentous. He is so loved, to this day.

I have made/planned/ordered further memorial items so that I can keep Lenny with me alw ays, but I still get hit with those shocks of sadness that I can't believe I'm memorializing him and I want him back. I'm sure I always will.

My son had progressed in a different way, and he has hinted that although nothing would replace Lenny, we sure had a lot of love and supplies for a (new) beardie. I told him that I'm not ready but it stuck in my head. Lenny was an (unexpected) gift that my dad gave my son over Thanksgiving break all those years ago when we visited my family in El Paso. I'm pretty sure he came from a pet shop, but my dad has never been forthcoming about his origin. Lenny was so tiny and we had never had reptiles before! I had asked how old he was, so that I could figure how to care for him and my dad said 6-8 weeks (questionable). Now, considering this, I figure Lenny's birthdate and death date are pretty dang close, but for the year. Suddenly, the prospect of a new baby isn't as horrible. A beardie hatched after Lenny's passing would be about 7-8 weeks old over Thanksgiving break, old enough to bring home? Maybe I'm being crazy and grasping at straws again, but the timeline seems like it might mean... something. A new baby could never fill the lizard-shaped hole in my heart, but maybe it could fill the hole in our house.

This is Lenny on our trip to El Paso over the 4th of July this year. View attachment 84532 View attachment 84533 View attachment 84534 View attachment 84535

A great idea, and I understand it takes time to be ‘ready’ for a new beardie. Believe me, I know how it feels. Take as much time as you need. I second what Xp29 said about looking around a bit when your ready.

That’s how I met Leo. He was the brightest, biggest and most active of his clutch mates. When the worker let me hold him for the first time, he crawled up my shoulder and tried to jump off! Luckily I caught him, no lizard was harmed that day.

This is Leo, he’s 8 months old already!

 

[Lyrebird.Rainwing]

I am so sorry, I should have definitely thought about it more before posting a picture of my beardie to try and cheer you up. It wasn’t very logical of me.. Again, I am so sorry

 

[J4ckdaw-]

I am so sorry, I should have definitely thought about it more before posting a picture of my beardie to try and cheer you up. It wasn’t very logical of me.. Again, I am so sorry

I actually just realized that as well, oh man… I hope it didn’t come across as insensitive, or mean or anything. Sorry if I made anything worse, OP!

 

[Drache613]

Hello,

I am glad to hear you are starting to feel a bit
better. I realize how hard it is to attempt to move
on & when you do that doesn't mean you will ever
forget Lenny. You never will, because he is held
in your heart, forever. He would want you to help
another dragon in need of a home. I do believe
his spirit will stay around & you might be surprised
to have his spirit around again.
Take your time & you will know when things are
right, the right little dragon will find you. If you get
a feeling through gut instinct I would feel that would be a sign.
Oh those are beautiful pictures of Lenny!

Tracie

 

[RachelG]

Hello,

I am glad to hear you are starting to feel a bit
better. I realize how hard it is to attempt to move
on & when you do that doesn't mean you will ever
forget Lenny. You never will, because he is held
in your heart, forever. He would want you to help
another dragon in need of a home. I do believe
his spirit will stay around & you might be surprised
to have his spirit around again.
Take your time & you will know when things are
right, the right little dragon will find you. If you get
a feeling through gut instinct I would feel that would be a sign.
Oh those are beautiful pictures of Lenny!

Tracie

This week was pretty busy, so I had a lot to keep my mind off crying, and I did take your advice about making a photo album. I found myself crying, then smiling and laughing through those tears, and pretty soon those tears dried up! I felt much better, sad, of course, but better... up until today when I picked up his cremains. I keep hearing that grief comes in waves, but I think a more accurate water comparison would be "drowning."

I also believe Lenny's spirit will find mine again, and I am so torn between wanting to go out there and find him already and not being ready to sanitize his enclosure and let another lizard in... I built that home FOR Lenny... Would everything become a new lizard's? Or would the newcomer just be using Lenny's things? Mostly I just know that I can't love another lizard quite yet.

On a side note, I don't know how many on here live in Texas, but my vet provides cremation services through a place called Fond Memories, and they really provided a beautiful package. It was horrible to get Lenny's cremains, but it was at least a small comfort to see everything so meticulously and carefully packaged, delivered in such a dignified way. I didn't ask for or pay for impressions or prints, but I'll treasure them forever.

 

[RachelG]

I am so sorry, I should have definitely thought about it more before posting a picture of my beardie to try and cheer you up. It wasn’t very logical of me.. Again, I am so sorry

No need to apologize, I love the pic. Who can help but smile at that gorgeous little scale face?

 

[RachelG]

I actually just realized that as well, oh man… I hope it didn’t come across as insensitive, or mean or anything. Sorry if I made anything worse, OP!

Leo is a gorgeous boy and no apologies are needed. I feel like everyone here knows how I feel, or can imagine, nothing is coming across in a negative way . Plus, you shared your pain with me, you are more than welcome to share your joy as well.

 

[J4ckdaw-]

Leo is a gorgeous boy and no apologies are needed. I feel like everyone here knows how I feel, or can imagine, nothing is coming across in a negative way . Plus, you shared your pain with me, you are more than welcome to share your joy as well.

This is really touching- thank you

 

[AHBD]

This week was pretty busy, so I had a lot to keep my mind off crying, and I did take your advice about making a photo album. I found myself crying, then smiling and laughing through those tears, and pretty soon those tears dried up! I felt much better, sad, of course, but better... up until today when I picked up his cremains. I keep hearing that grief comes in waves, but I think a more accurate water comparison would be "drowning."

I also believe Lenny's spirit will find mine again, and I am so torn between wanting to go out there and find him already and not being ready to sanitize his enclosure and let another lizard in... I built that home FOR Lenny... Would everything become a new lizard's? Or would the newcomer just be using Lenny's things? Mostly I just know that I can't love another lizard quite yet.

On a side note, I don't know how many on here live in Texas, but my vet provides cremation services through a place called Fond Memories, and they really provided a beautiful package. It was horrible to get Lenny's cremains, but it was at least a small comfort to see everything so meticulously and carefully packaged, delivered in such a dignified way. I didn't ask for or pay for impressions or prints, but I'll treasure them forever.

Those are beautiful mementos. And definitely do take your time going forth with the possibility of getting another dragon. If and when you get one you can think of it as Lenny loaning his stuff to a cool friend.

 

[Drache613]

Hello,

I am glad to hear your photo album did help out.
It is a tribute to Lenny, though emotionally hard.
I agree, grief does come in waves I guess like
the ocean because it does feel like drowning. I
totally know the feeling.
That is very caring of the Fond Memories to include
the handprint impression. I am in Texas & it seems like I have heard of them before.
I agree with AHBD in that Lenny would be happy
to share his tank, since he loved it so much.

Thinking of you,
Tracie

 

[RachelG]

Here's some comic relief to this story. Yesterday while I was waiting at the vet for Lenny's ashes, a clinic cat came and sat next to me, purring and rubbing and headbutting me. I sat and pet the cat for about 15 minutes while I waited. When the tech came out with the ashes, I immediately started crying. I suppose this starteld the cat, because it BIT ME, very hard on the wrist. I just waited for it to let go, and obviously it's my own fault because all animals are pet-at-your-own-risk. I took Lenny and went to my car to continue my meltdown. Later I realized my wrist was bleeding but I was not really focused on anything but my grief.

Today I woke up and my wrist is huge and red and I get to go tell this story to a human doc.