Death of my heart

RachelG

Hatchling Member
Beardie name(s)
Frank Ocean
Yesterday morning at about 9am, I was devastated to find my beloved 8 year old baby stiff and unresponsive with no signs of life. He was last seen alive and well at 10pm bedtime the night before. There were no obvious signs of anything, no injuries, no blood, no vomit. Just my precious jiggly guy pancaked with a serene smile on his face, halfway on his pet bed like he always is in the morning. It was like I stepped into a nightmare. I didn't even know I was shrieking and hyperventilating until my husband ran in to see what was wrong. He saw me holding my rigored baby and tried to comfort me, but I wouldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. The blood pounding in my ears drowned him out anyway.

I don't recall leaving the house, but I found myself screeching into the parking lot of the vet's office, begging god not to let it be true. I am blessed to have an incredibly experienced reptile vet here in San Antonio, Dr. Rob Coke is quite literally a reptile expert accredited by the ABVP and his staff... just aces all around. I couldn't ask for better. I burst in, hysterical, screaming for help and the surprised staff jumped up and asked what was going on. I managed to choke out "I think my lizard is dead." They saw my baby and immediately sprang into action, taking him from me and bringing him to the back. I imagined them coding him like we do to people in the ER. I just stood at the counter crying because I couldn't stop. I begged every deity for a miracle. I offered my soul to any entity who would have it, in exchange for Lenny. I tried to convince myself to have some faith in the vet and his capabilities. I reasoned that I've personally worked and witnessed patients come back long after hope had been all but abandoned. The more I thought about this, the more I began to think this was entirely plausible. Likely, even. Reality inched towards me and I was suddenly acutely aware of the fact that I was in public with no shoes and no bra. It also whispered that my Lenny was gone. It started to whisper to me about the obvious signs of death but I pushed those horrible thoughts from my head, telling myself that lizards are different than humans, and maybe I wasn't so sure that he was really rigored anyway. I consoled myself by imagining Lenny home alive and well, joking with my husband about today's vet bill. In retrospect, I can't believe I played such a cruel trick on myself.

A little while later, the whole staff came out, sat me down and told me they were sorry for my loss. They explained about the doppler and the lack of vital signs, etc. They were incredibly compassionate and offered me as long as I wanted in a private room to say goodbye. They started to tell me what options they offered as far as cremation, etc., but I wouldn't have it. Everything became even more surreal, and things seemed twisted and distorted. I knew they were wrong. I didn't need a room and I didn't need their "options." I wanted him back, immediately. I needed to get him home and back under his lights to warm up. I've worked miracles with my own goddamn hands before, and by that same damned god, I would do it again. This was no DNR or slow code. These people didn't know what they were doing, but I wouldn't give up. I held out my hands for Lenny. Reality suddenly came back into sharp focus and I took in the look of sadness, sympathy and knowing pity on the face of the tech who gently laid my baby back in my arms. She let me know that they were here at any time if I needed anything further. I hated the way she looked at me and spoke to me because I recognized her countenance and tone. It was mine. I used it when I spoke to families about their loved one's death. Reality retreated once more and I took Lenny and left. I passed my husband in the parking lot, as he had tracked me to the vet and followed, but I couldn't stop for him, I had a life to save.

At home, I checked his basking temps and laid him in the warmest spot. My husband kept asking what he could do, but I saw the wretched pity in his eyes and I hated him for it. I shouted at him that unless he would help me with Lenny, what he could do was leave me alone. I stood vigil next to my baby for a couple hours. His tank that I made for him myself during covid was actually big enough for me to get in, so I did. My poor husband didn't know what to do so he just hovered and gave me reassuring pats. I think he knew that words would fall on deaf ears, and I was grateful he had stopped talking. I decided the basking wasn't enough, so I gave Lenny a nice warm bath in his favorite foot-spa tub. When that didn't work, I figured he might need to be near me, so I took my top off and laid him on my skin. I held my breath and held him, waiting to see him take a breath. When he didn't, I got out my own pedi stethoscope, pulse ox and doppler. When I got nothing, I tossed my things aside, cursing them as cheap trash made for humans anyway. Reality lunged for me again as I glimpsed for the first time his fixed eyes, decidedly more sunken than they had been when I first found him. My husband must've seen the horrible realization dawn in my eyes, and he took the opportunity to gently remind me that we had to pick up the kids from school and break the news to them. I heard him this time, but instead of answering with words, I was busy emitting those horrible, gut-wrenching noises I'd heard from others but never uttered myself until now. I always thought that those sorrowful wails must be involuntary, radiating from the very depths of one soul crying out in agony for another. As it turns out, I was right.

I laid with Lenny on my chest and just cried my eyes out until it was time to pick the kids up. Lenny was technically my teenge son's pet, a pet he's had more than half his life. Lenny's mansion is a furniture fixture in my son's room, and I knew he would immediately notice Lenny not in there. My preteen daughter was not as attached, and I figured her less likely to take it AS poorly, but still, I had to come up with something. My cruel rational brain corrected me: no, you will not "come up with something," you have to tell them the truth. So I did. My daughter was sad, my son was crushed, to put it mildly. I tried to be strong for him, and I managed to hold back those mournful cries that are just... so terrible to behold. But I didn't hold back the tears and we cried together. We got home and I retreated to my room to hold Lenny. My son joined me and up until bedtime we just cried with tv in the background. My husband picked up fast food for everyone, but my son had no appetite and the thought of eating made me gag. How could dinner and the rest of the world just continue on without my baby in it? How could this be happening?

At bedtime, my teenage son wanted me to sleep in his room. He hasn't asked me to stay in years. He was clutching the cat for comfort. A cat that we had before we even had our son. A cat that was my first baby and should've been a comfort to me as well. A cat that was so intuitive he knew where he was needed, always and had followed me around all day, though I shunned him. My sweet cat was no comfort to me. All I wanted was Lenny, and I was torn between honoring my son's request and being with Lenny. In the end, I laid in bed with my son until he fell asleep and then slunk back to my room to hold Lenny through the night. I didn't sleep. I just cried and begged god to let me wake from this nightmare. I crept back into my son's room at 5am, miserable, exhausted, and so sad I thought I would surely die. I laid there crying quietly, wishing I was still holding my lizard.

At 645 this morning, Lenny's lights went on, and I had to stifle my sobs before I woke the kids. I told my son he could have the day if he wanted, but I don't think he could bear watching me holding Lenny and crying all day. He opted for a late start and I took him out for coffee, a treat he usually loves. Today both our coffees sat untouched. We talked about Lenny. I read him some excerpts from a book about pet loss that resonated with me. I knew I had to get it together at least a little for him. He seemed comforted, and I found that I was a little comforted as well. He went to school. I went home to my baby.

When I rushed upstairs to finally take him in my arms again, my horrible brain teased me... what if he was actually ok? What if this was one of those "I thought he was dead" situations? Maybe when I got up there I'd see he had moved! I ran, as if I'd miss it if I didn't hurry. When I got to him, that awful reality hit me again and I could see that he was bloating. I wailed anew. My baby was gone. My precious Lenny was dead. My Jiggly Guy would not jiggle ever again. I couldn't bear it. I still can't.

I made clay prints of his little hands and feet, and his sweet tail with the tiny kink he's had since we got him. I made 2 sets, one for me and one for my son. I stroked him and spoke to him and finally I admitted to myself that I had to take him back to the vet and arrange for his cremation. I ordered his beautiful urn, and lizard urn keepsakes for my son and I. Just as I was about to get in the car to make that trek to the vet, I couldn't. I felt like I needed more prints, more keepsakes, more of him. I couldn't find the remaining clay I'd just used. Suddenly I HAD to have more. I couldn't bear not having more. I went to the craft store for new clay. I returned to Lenny and used up the whole 5lb tub of clay.
 

RachelG

Hatchling Member
Original Poster
Beardie name(s)
Frank Ocean
The day drew on and still I stalled until I could stall no more. I had to pick up the kids soon and there was no denying that he was bloating now. I knew I couldn't keep him another day. I don't know where I got the fluid, but I was still steadily crying. I drove to the vet bawling, hoarse, exhausted and miserable. The staff was again incredibly compassionate to me. I know they knew I'd be back. They gave me their sad, kind eyes and their sad, soft words and I just let them. I let them tell me about their packages. I wanted him back so I opted for a private cremation. I wanted to know where he'd be kept and where he'd be cremated and when I'd get him back. After everything was chosen and paid, I found that I still couldn't leave. I couldn't let him go yet. I wasn't ready. I wanted that private room. I wanted more time with him.

I stayed in that room with him, holding him again, speaking to him, stroking him. I told him that I know he's not in this body anymore, but I couldn't let go because it looks just like him. I had read in the pet loss book that speaking to your pet can help, so I went on and on but honestly it hurt more. I remembered being in that very room for one of his yearly visits and the vet wanted a fecal sample but I didn't want them to swab him, so I offered to bring the sample when he went. Before the vet could respond, Lenny shat on the exam table. Classic. But the memory just hurt. He would never soil an exam table again. I dissolved into tears, unable to talk for a while. My baby was really gone.

I stayed in there crying and talking until I was going to be late to get my children. I almost called my MIL to pick them up so I could stay, but I knew my son needed me. I finally left Lenny, but I wasn't ready. I'd never be ready. I felt like I was abandoning him.

I picked up the kids and brought them home. My son was grateful and seemed soothed to see all the prints and keepsakes. He planned to keep them in Lenny's vivarium as a memorial. I told him that sounded beautiful, a wonderful way to pay tribute to Lenny's memory. Inside, I was appalled. I suddenly hated the idea of any memorial, or any keepsakes. I could never let them go, EVER, but I hated that they existed in Lenny's absence. I was devastated all over again but I kept this from him.

I bought my son the Kindle book Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet by Moira Anderson Allen and he seems to really be finding comfort in it. For that I'm grateful, but I'm not comforted by it one bit. I'm a mess. This has been, without a doubt, the worst 36 hours of my life. I've never known pain like this. My heart is broken and I'm just raw with misery and emotion. How does anyone recover from such a loss? My beautiful beardie, my precious Lenny, my Jiggly Guy... how can I live without him? How does anyone get past this? How can time keep passing without him?

I just had to get that out. The book said that writing might help, but I don't feel better. I don't see how I ever will.
 

Drache613

BD.org Sicko
Staff member
Moderator
Hello,

I am so very sorry for your loss & your pain. I completely understand the sorrow, heartbreak &
misery. I wish that I could say things would get easier to deal with but gradually in time, you will
hold his memory without crying. You will never forget him but the pain doesn't really go away, it
just get dulled by time. It is the worst pain to experience.
We are all here for you during this time.
My sincere condolences,

Tracie
 

xp29

BD.org Addict
Photo Comp Winner
Beardie name(s)
Zen , Ruby ,Snicker Doodles, Sweet Pea, Sinatra
Omg that was hard to read, I've lost a couple over the years, the hurt is profound, i am very sorry for your loss.
 

RachelG

Hatchling Member
Original Poster
Beardie name(s)
Frank Ocean
Hello,

I am so very sorry for your loss & your pain. I completely understand the sorrow, heartbreak &
misery. I wish that I could say things would get easier to deal with but gradually in time, you will
hold his memory without crying. You will never forget him but the pain doesn't really go away, it
just get dulled by time. It is the worst pain to experience.
We are all here for you during this time.
My sincere condolences,

Tracie
Thank you for the favor of a reply. I am heartbroken. I don't even want to see my other pets or my kids and husband. I am just going through the motions with them. I'm disgusted with myself for that, but it's a muted disgust, background noise. Thoughts of Lenny consume me. I'm second guessing everything that I've ever done (or didn't do) for him, and kicking myself for not spending more time with him.. at first, i consoled myself somewhat on those counts, because I know his husbandry was by the book (and this site), and I had the luxury of resources to spend on him. He lacked nothing. I raised his roaches myself. He had regular vet care. He got his vitamins. His bulbs and temps were constant and monitored. He traveled with us. He had enclosures at all the grandparents' houses. He was so wanted and so loved.

I thought about how nothing that came in contact with him had changed in the past 90 (or more) days, but then I remembered that I replaced a bulb in September. His temps were one degree cooler after the replacement, but I left it. I curse myself and that bulb now. I touched up our downstairs cabinet paint last month too. I've painted whole rooms in years past, and I just did what I always do, leave the doors and windows open...until I had to go pick up the kids. On Saturday night, Lenny was downstairs in my lap eating bugs and his weekend blueberries, watching a movie with us on his heated massage pillow. This was a usual weekend occurrence. I knew I should've taken him up to bask after eating but I was exhausted and fed him late, then kept him until the movie was over. His lights were out when I put him up. My son later told me that late Sunday night (before I found him on Monday) he was awoken by Lenny scratching but went back to sleep when he stopped. I assured him this wasn't his fault, but immediately alarm bells went off in my head. It was my fault. What had been going on? What was he doing? Was he distressed? Could I have intervened? I should've heard Lenny and checked him out. I should've known or felt or seen something, done something. I'll never be able to get over that. I wasn't there. I'll always be thinking about how I killed my poor baby with that new bulb, or paint fumes, or that night I selfishly kept him downstairs after eating. How can I ever get over knowing that I held his precious life entirely in my hands and I carelessly let it slip away without even realizing?
 

AHBD

BD.org Sicko
Wow, this is very distressing to read and I send the biggest heartfelt condolences as I sense the sheer unshakable grief you are going through. I too have lost bearded dragons in the past as well as dogs, cats, a cockatiel, firebelly toad but worst of all my mom then my dad. I can say that in many of these traumas things were a blur and thinking ability goes out the window. Sometimes well meaning offers of sympathy + comfort from strangers and even people who love you sound hollow, useless, etc.

Grief is different for all of us.....self blame is destructive though. Nothing that you did likely attributed to Lenny's death. Beardies CAN suddenly pass from unknown heart ailments, stroke, cancer and other things. My guess is heart attack, a painless one that just stopped him right where he lay. He didn't suffer and if he had his way, he wouldn't want you to suffer now or to wonder what you might have done wrong. There is no way that you would have knowingly or neglectfully caused Lenny's death. Please, please,please take your guilt out of the already unbearable sadness of this loss. You were no doubt a wonderful owner and your family loved Lenny but they also love you. Grieving is normal but you have a family, children who will grieve more as they see how shattered you are so try to be strong for them. Kids can be confused by a parent being so traumatized that the rest of family affairs are nearly shut down. They don't want to see you crumble or to blame yourself. The kids need you now , try to be strong [ I know it sounds hollow ] even though there is grief and set the example for them not to be too devastated.
It sounds like you have a sweet family, you can and will get through this. I wish peace for your whole family.🌹🌺🌸
 

J4ckdaw-

Sub-Adult Member
Beardie name(s)
Leo
Hi there, OP 😔

I am J4ckdaw, a bearded dragon owner for the past 12 1/2 years. I’d like to give you my deepest condolences and I’d like to say that I am so, so sorry you have to live through this pain. Many of us on this forum know it all too well, remember that you aren’t alone.

If you wouldn’t mind, I can share my story with you as well. If you find this theme more upsetting I apologize in advance and would not be offended if you skipped past it, I will be writing it in bold letter so you can tell it apart. Your feelings come first.

This is my story, and how I can relate to your pain. 12 years ago, when I was still a child, my parents let me get my first ever bearded dragon. Her name was Smaug. She was a pretty little female with a big attitude, she was bought from Petsmart.

Due to her inhumane upbringing from one of Petsmart’s supplier mills, she struggled with numerous health issues. Due to that and my own naivety she nearly passed away when she was still only young. She had a terrible bought of parasites.

Thankfully with help from my exotic vet, I was able to change her husbandry and she was in better health. Later in life she had to undergo surgery to remove a rotting infertile egg from her stomach. She fought so hard and the two of us went through so much.

Finally, only this February, she passed away at the age of 12 years from a terminal illness. That shattered me. I wanted her back so, so badly it hurt. In my grief I brought down those around me, it made the pain I was feeling so much worse.

Two months later, I found it in my heart to try again with my second beardie. She was roughly 3 years old when I got her. Me and my nephew had her outside in her playpen to enjoy the early spring time heat. When we weren’t looking she escaped somehow.

I’ve never stopped blaming myself for that. It was sickening, the pain I was feeling. I screamed. I cried more than I’ve ever cried. I started hyperventilating. I was shaking so bad. That pain still hasn’t left me but it has gotten easier.


That is my story. Remember you’re not alone in this, remember you’re never alone! That bearded dragon knew he was loved. He KNEW how much you and your son cared. Don’t ever blame yourself. These terrible feelings will pass with time.

I know it is upsetting, and it’s hard to keep yourself in control for the sake of others. It’s the hardest thing you’ll have to deal with raising bearded dragons. It was his time. Just like it was Smaug’s time, or Pippin’s time, or any other bearded dragon’s time.

You have my deepest sympathy, my heart ached from reading such a difficult message. Me and Leo both wish you and your family the best through this painful time. Just know it won’t always be this hard. Remember that he is safe. Happy. Healthy.

No one will forget Lenny. Your jiggly guy. He’ll always be in our hearts. Wishing you the very best, I’m afraid this comment is already ridiculously long. Good luck, and take care of yourself.

- J4ckdaw
 

Chris.

Sub-Adult Member
Beardie name(s)
Luis and Lilith
This really was as hard to read as words can be and I can truely feel your pain in those words. It's easy to tell, Lenny wasn't just a pet, Lenny was part of the family!
Rest asure you have done everything you could to give Lenny the best life he could have and I'm certain he felt the love you had and still have for him on every day. Lenny knows you loved him, how could he not, and he sure enjoied the time he was given. What more could a dragon ask for? After all, passing away in peace, knowing to have a loving family to carry your memory on for ever doesn't sound to bad, does it? It sure is the way I would want to leave this earth.
Lenny would want you to be as happy as you wanted him to be and after some time to grief you will be, for sure. My heart is with you until that day comes!
 

RachelG

Hatchling Member
Original Poster
Beardie name(s)
Frank Ocean
Wow, this is very distressing to read and I send the biggest heartfelt condolences as I sense the sheer unshakable grief you are going through. I too have lost bearded dragons in the past as well as dogs, cats, a cockatiel, firebelly toad but worst of all my mom then my dad. I can say that in many of these traumas things were a blur and thinking ability goes out the window. Sometimes well meaning offers of sympathy + comfort from strangers and even people who love you sound hollow, useless, etc.

Grief is different for all of us.....self blame is destructive though. Nothing that you did likely attributed to Lenny's death. Beardies CAN suddenly pass from unknown heart ailments, stroke, cancer and other things. My guess is heart attack, a painless one that just stopped him right where he lay. He didn't suffer and if he had his way, he wouldn't want you to suffer now or to wonder what you might have done wrong. There is no way that you would have knowingly or neglectfully caused Lenny's death. Please, please,please take your guilt out of the already unbearable sadness of this loss. You were no doubt a wonderful owner and your family loved Lenny but they also love you. Grieving is normal but you have a family, children who will grieve more as they see how shattered you are so try to be strong for them. Kids can be confused by a parent being so traumatized that the rest of family affairs are nearly shut down. They don't want to see you crumble or to blame yourself. The kids need you now , try to be strong [ I know it sounds hollow ] even though there is grief and set the example for them not to be too devastated.
It sounds like you have a sweet family, you can and will get through this. I wish peace for your whole family.🌹🌺🌸

Hi there, OP 😔

I am J4ckdaw, a bearded dragon owner for the past 12 1/2 years. I’d like to give you my deepest condolences and I’d like to say that I am so, so sorry you have to live through this pain. Many of us on this forum know it all too well, remember that you aren’t alone.

If you wouldn’t mind, I can share my story with you as well. If you find this theme more upsetting I apologize in advance and would not be offended if you skipped past it, I will be writing it in bold letter so you can tell it apart. Your feelings come first.

This is my story, and how I can relate to your pain. 12 years ago, when I was still a child, my parents let me get my first ever bearded dragon. Her name was Smaug. She was a pretty little female with a big attitude, she was bought from Petsmart.

Due to her inhumane upbringing from one of Petsmart’s supplier mills, she struggled with numerous health issues. Due to that and my own naivety she nearly passed away when she was still only young. She had a terrible bought of parasites.

Thankfully with help from my exotic vet, I was able to change her husbandry and she was in better health. Later in life she had to undergo surgery to remove a rotting infertile egg from her stomach. She fought so hard and the two of us went through so much.

Finally, only this February, she passed away at the age of 12 years from a terminal illness. That shattered me. I wanted her back so, so badly it hurt. In my grief I brought down those around me, it made the pain I was feeling so much worse.

Two months later, I found it in my heart to try again with my second beardie. She was roughly 3 years old when I got her. Me and my nephew had her outside in her playpen to enjoy the early spring time heat. When we weren’t looking she escaped somehow.

I’ve never stopped blaming myself for that. It was sickening, the pain I was feeling. I screamed. I cried more than I’ve ever cried. I started hyperventilating. I was shaking so bad. That pain still hasn’t left me but it has gotten easier.


That is my story. Remember you’re not alone in this, remember you’re never alone! That bearded dragon knew he was loved. He KNEW how much you and your son cared. Don’t ever blame yourself. These terrible feelings will pass with time.

I know it is upsetting, and it’s hard to keep yourself in control for the sake of others. It’s the hardest thing you’ll have to deal with raising bearded dragons. It was his time. Just like it was Smaug’s time, or Pippin’s time, or any other bearded dragon’s time.

You have my deepest sympathy, my heart ached from reading such a difficult message. Me and Leo both wish you and your family the best through this painful time. Just know it won’t always be this hard. Remember that he is safe. Happy. Healthy.

No one will forget Lenny. Your jiggly guy. He’ll always be in our hearts. Wishing you the very best, I’m afraid this comment is already ridiculously long. Good luck, and take care of yourself.

- J4ckdaw
Thank you for spending such time and care on a response, for sharing your experiences and pain with me. I'm so sorry that you've been through this wretched experience too, because I would not wish this pain on anyone. I hate to say that hearing of your losses made me feel better, but reading your story helped me feel like I'm not alone. Thank you so much for that. You'll never know how much I needed your kind words.
 

RachelG

Hatchling Member
Original Poster
Beardie name(s)
Frank Ocean
Wow, this is very distressing to read and I send the biggest heartfelt condolences as I sense the sheer unshakable grief you are going through. I too have lost bearded dragons in the past as well as dogs, cats, a cockatiel, firebelly toad but worst of all my mom then my dad. I can say that in many of these traumas things were a blur and thinking ability goes out the window. Sometimes well meaning offers of sympathy + comfort from strangers and even people who love you sound hollow, useless, etc.

Grief is different for all of us.....self blame is destructive though. Nothing that you did likely attributed to Lenny's death. Beardies CAN suddenly pass from unknown heart ailments, stroke, cancer and other things. My guess is heart attack, a painless one that just stopped him right where he lay. He didn't suffer and if he had his way, he wouldn't want you to suffer now or to wonder what you might have done wrong. There is no way that you would have knowingly or neglectfully caused Lenny's death. Please, please,please take your guilt out of the already unbearable sadness of this loss. You were no doubt a wonderful owner and your family loved Lenny but they also love you. Grieving is normal but you have a family, children who will grieve more as they see how shattered you are so try to be strong for them. Kids can be confused by a parent being so traumatized that the rest of family affairs are nearly shut down. They don't want to see you crumble or to blame yourself. The kids need you now , try to be strong [ I know it sounds hollow ] even though there is grief and set the example for them not to be too devastated.
It sounds like you have a sweet family, you can and will get through this. I wish peace for your whole family.🌹🌺🌸
Your post has brought me the most comfort I've had since losing Lenny. Thank you for sharing your losses with me. I am so sorry that you've known such grief, but your words struck every cord that my aching heart has. Knowing that you've been through the same and more gives weight to your words, and they don't seem hollow at all. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

I am working on the blame, but it's just so hard knowing that I personally was responsible for Lenny and every aspect of his life. I thought he'd live to the maximum lifespan of a beardie, or if he got sick or started slowing down as he aged I'd at least see it coming. The abruptness of his passing was something I wasn't prepared for.

You're also right about how I have to get it together for my kids. I let their whole world crumble with mine. My house was in uncharacteristic disarray, I hadn't cooked them a meal in days, I was an openly weepy mess, and I had totally withdrawn from them. I've returned myself to my family, but I am still having to swallow my sorrow quite a bit. I know it'll get better. That's certainly something I couldn't say yesterday.

I can't thank you enough for reaching back when I reached out. You'll never know what an impact you had on me, how much I needed every word of comfort and sense from someone who shared this horrible experience. You brought some solace and perspective to every aspect of my crisis state. Thank you so much for loosening the vice-grip on my heart. ❤️
 

Drache613

BD.org Sicko
Staff member
Moderator
Hello,

I have been thinking about you & Lenny. He absolutely without a doubt felt love every day. Your
reaction to his loss, I have known that loss & have gone through blaming myself as well. It takes
you to a place where you don't want to be, isolated & as has already been said, Lenny wouldn't
want you to suffer emotionally as you are. You will see him again one day, perhaps his spirit will
be in another dragon & he will find you.
I still have trouble with the loss of our first dragon, but in time, it does get better. I thought I was
going to die, the loss was unbearable for me. Eventually, you will be able to have some solace.
Help your kids with their grief, I am sure that they need it as well.
We have some awesome members on here, with an array of experiences, loss, grief, but with a
lot of wisdom combined. We will all be here to help when you need us. Lenny was a lucky boy,
to have you as his mom. 💞

Tracie
 

AHBD

BD.org Sicko
Your post has brought me the most comfort I've had since losing Lenny. Thank you for sharing your losses with me. I am so sorry that you've known such grief, but your words struck every cord that my aching heart has. Knowing that you've been through the same and more gives weight to your words, and they don't seem hollow at all. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

I am working on the blame, but it's just so hard knowing that I personally was responsible for Lenny and every aspect of his life. I thought he'd live to the maximum lifespan of a beardie, or if he got sick or started slowing down as he aged I'd at least see it coming. The abruptness of his passing was something I wasn't prepared for.

You're also right about how I have to get it together for my kids. I let their whole world crumble with mine. My house was in uncharacteristic disarray, I hadn't cooked them a meal in days, I was an openly weepy mess, and I had totally withdrawn from them. I've returned myself to my family, but I am still having to swallow my sorrow quite a bit. I know it'll get better. That's certainly something I couldn't say yesterday.

I can't thank you enough for reaching back when I reached out. You'll never know what an impact you had on me, how much I needed every word of comfort and sense from someone who shared this horrible experience. You brought some solace and perspective to every aspect of my crisis state. Thank you so much for loosening the vice-grip on my heart. ❤️
I'm so glad to hear that I [ and others here ] could help ! I hate to see or know of anyone in pain and your writing about it was pretty heart wrenching. I'm glad that you have a bit more focus through your tremendous grief and you + your family, although suffering, will be there for each other through the freshness of this pain. It was good to hear you say it and will start to bring relief to your family and to yourself. Take care internet friend !
 

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