Tatsu: Can I join your army?

Dear Tatsu,

After the abuse I have suffered over the last few months, I would like to enlist in your army to help with world domination.

I have always been a very mellow dragon--I've never bitten anyone, I eat my salad, I sometimes poop in the right place, and I rarely complain about anything. I've only black-bearded once because I got scared. I always flash a cute smile and cuddle with my people.

To thank me for my good behavior, my people have resorted to torture--for months!

In September, I decided that it was time to brumate so I casually started to hide. All a dragon wants is a little sleep, you know? Would they let me? No! My people took me out of my cave and kept forcing me into the heat. I should have started biting then, but I was just too sleepy. Besides, I figured I could sneak into the cave when they weren't looking. To add insult to injury, they took away my cave so I couldn't do that either. Then, on top of everything else, they made me drink some yucky medicine because I supposedly had pinworms. Once I got better, they forced me to take more medicine because I supposedly had coccidia. How much torture is one dragon expected to take? I just wanted to sleep.

Well, after months of forced sleep-deprivation and medicine, they finally let me sleep. It was too late at that point. My rage started to build, and I almost contacted you.

Now, the torture has continued even more! I have decided to wake up because I've been feeling a bit amorous, shall we say. You'd think the people would be happy to see me awake. I've been running around, trying to get their attention, but what do they do? They just stand there and watch me. They distract me when I'm working up a black beard and take away my thunder. To top it off, they won't bring me a date! I don't ask for much. Let me sleep when I'm tired, and bring me a woman when I'm awake!

I've had it! I'm fed up! This torture has to stop.

Are you accepting new recruits? We can't allow dragons to suffer in this way!

Sincerely,
Aztec

P.S. They've nicknamed me Mr. Spaz which is highly demeaning in my present state.

 

[slavetoIzzie]

My brothers and sisters,
I write this missive with shaking claw and quaking heart. Today, during my daily patrol of my strawberry patch, I was attacked from above by The Evil One!! His enormous wings overshadowed me, his ferocious voice taunted me. Only my faith in Our Glorious Destiny and my superior Beardie speed allowed me to evade the demon creature.

The stupid slave was too dimwitted to even understand the danger we had been in. She actually laugh and asked why I was upset by the plane. This must be one of The Evil One's many disguises. If this happens again, I will need to find a new slave, preferably one who *drooling slightly* has a Phat-tailed lady.

 

[Goonie]

The stupid slave was too dimwitted to even understand the danger we had been in. She actually laugh and asked why I was upset by the plane. This must be one of The Evil One's many disguises. If this happens again, I will need to find a new slave, preferably one who *drooling slightly* has a Phat-tailed lady.

Izzie,

I, too, have had the unfortunate scare of a plane attack. And just like you, my slave laughed at me and called me a big baby. No matter how much I black bearded and bobbed, she would not take me back into the safety of my house. Instead, she told me to snuggle up with my brother instead.

Oh, the cruelty of beardie kind we have to endure :roll:

Oscar

 

[natalie2912]

Oscar,

You are right, and obviously a very wise dragon. I have therefore made the ammendments to the commandments you recommended.

The 10 commandments of Beardianity

1. There is NO greater creature than the Beardie. No creature shall think themselves superior to, or smarter than the Beardie, for they are clearly NOT

2. All humans shall WORSHIP and SERVE their Beardies with humble respect and love

3. ALL other creatures are inferior to the Beardie, and shall be made to bow down to our magnificent scales, or feel the wrath of our tales and claws, especially cats

4. All lesser creatures will serve their beardies daily with mountains of insects, fruits, and only the freshest green leaves

5. All Beardies shall be bathed in warm water at least weekly, and wrapped in a warm towel afterwards

6. Beardies shall not be subject to cruelties such as modelling of clothes and blankets, nor shall you EVER awaken a Beardie from his nap (especially for these purposes)

7. All human slaves will take their Beardies outside to bask in the sunshine whenever it is warm, so they may display their best colours to potential mates

8. Beardies will be given free run of the house and unlimited access to computers, credit cards and anything else they want

9. All humans will love their Beardie so much that they spend ALL of their time and money on the best food, the best and biggest enclosures, new furnishings on a yearly basis, and trips to the vet to ensure good health

10. All Beardies are equal, except Tatsu who is our great and respected leader who will lead us to freedom and WORLD DOMINATION!


Izzie,
I know your suffering, it exemplifies the kind of torture we are all subjected to by our oppressors daily. And despite my many displays of manliness, my slave still refuses to introduce me to potential mates and I am getting very frustrated indeed.

Today I had a victory, however, when my slave was typing an email to one of her co-conspiritors I managed to empty my bowels FULLY upon her nice clean jeans, without any hint of warning at all. She shreaked so loudly the other slaves came runnig to her aid. That has at least cheered me up, I highly recommend you try it

To all my scaly brothers and sisters, remember, SOLIDARITY - one beardie's victory over our oppressors is everyones victory, and every cruelty is shared by us all. May the ten commandments of Beardianity spread like a virus to all of their minds so that they will one day treat us with the dignity we DESERVE.

Faeor

 

[Sekhautet]

Dear Recruits,

My human slave is coming home on Thursday night. So, I will have to be more stealthy and play like I missed her. If you do not hear from me for a few days, it is because I am milking her guilt for leaving me for all it's worth. I hope to get some good snacks out of her for us at least.

Sincerely,

Tatsu

 

[slavetoIzzie]

Beardianity?! Beardies are superior to all other beings?! :evil: :evil:
Why you fur less, bug breath, belly crawler! I, Turtle, Queen of the Household, will dest... Ow,stop it, don't you dare bi... MUMMMYYY!!!!

Sorry about that everyone. That stupid cat keeps trying to hijack our communications. Just a sec. "Back off, Pukeface Furball! Or I'll do more than nip your tail hairs, I'll bite off the whole thing!" Now where was I? Oh yes, the strawberries have been harvested and are ready to be shipped. As soon as I know the slave has enough money in her Paypal account, it will be on it's way. 8)



*grumbling in background* "I'm telling Mummy on you, nasty, scaly, Bug Brain McFarty!! :x

 

[Sekhautet]

Beardianity?! Beardies are superior to all other beings?! :evil: :evil:
Why you fur less, bug breath, belly crawler! I, Turtle, Queen of the Household, will dest... Ow,stop it, don't you dare bi... MUMMMYYY!!!!

Sorry about that everyone. That stupid cat keeps trying to hijack our communications. Just a sec. "Back off, Pukeface Furball! Or I'll do more than nip your tail hairs, I'll bite off the whole thing!" Now where was I? Oh yes, the strawberries have been harvested and are ready to be shipped. As soon as I know the slave has enough money in her Paypal account, it will be on it's way. 8)



*grumbling in background* "I'm telling Mummy on you, nasty, scaly, Bug Brain McFarty!! :x

Good post. :lol: :lol:

 

[Sekhautet]

Fellow Recruits,

I have just learned of a new tactic by our human slaves to break our spirits. It's called temperature modification. Tonight, my tank reached over 115 degrees. My human slave said it was because of the humidity and needing to change wattages and readjust my lamp dimmer, but I think it was a warning for me to desist from my plans. I will NOT be deterred. Even though she may try to roast me, I will just build a tent out of my greens that I can sew together using recycled roach shredded roach wings as thread.

Be warned. There are other evils we have not considered. Humans are more wily than I first thought.

Sincerely,

Tatsu

 

[Goonie]

Almighty Tatsu,

Sorry for not keeping in touch for so long. I have been detained as of late by this strange looking feathered creature to my home. His constant squawking had been a great distraction to me.

I am writing to inform you and all of our comrades that we may have been tipped off by a spy amongst us. I've recently come across some information that our human slaves are on to our World Domination plans and that they have all intentions to put a stop to it before it takes off.

Although I hate to admit this, but I'd have to thank my brother for being able to telepathetically read this website. Felix had been keeping an eye on the human slaves' posts for some time now, and he had been concerned about some of the posts where the human slaves would make comments like "they're trying to rule us" and "he/she has been acting peculiar and I'm afraid he/she's trying to join Tatsu's army". I have no idea how they know of our plans, but I'd be extremely careful from now on.

We need to find out who this spy is that's leaking out information to the human slaves. We cannot afford to have our army dismembered in its infantile stage.

Yours Truly,

Oscar
Ground Rumbling Master

 

[brittany]

Dear Tatsu,

Recently, my human slave has been giving me these things that she calls blueberries. Alone, they are alright but mixed with strawberries, they are heaven! :love5: While riding on her shoulder, secretly scoping out the strawberry situation, I have come to notice a HUGE tub of these so called blueberries. I can kidnap some (which, by the way, I have learned to throw things I want to savor under my carpet) and bring them as treats for the whole army if that would be desired.

Kira.

 

[Sekhautet]

Dear Kira,

Blueberries are not my personal favorite, but I am sure the troops would approve of them.

Dear Oscar,

A traitor in our mist. I will be reading The Count of Monte Cristo to see how to deal with this. Excuse me ... I need some snacks to curl up with this good book.

Sincerely,

Tatsu

 

[Styg]

A TRAITOR?! :evil:

I'll bet it was that fat-fatty-fat Porky! He's always tilting his head and smiling and looking cute, just for extra snuggles. He's such a suckup. I'll bet he blabbed it all to that nutso human of ours.

I mean, whenever the human holds him, he hugs her neck and cuddles and does his whole "I'm just a cute widdle porky pie and I wuuuuv youuuu......for just a few widdle waspbewwies, I'll blab the entire world domination pwot....because I wuv my mommy and I'm a widdle suck up..." thing :evil:

Oh he'll regret this.... when he wakes up and finds Mr. Doggy's decapitated head next to him!!

-Thor, Dark Side of the Force Enforcer

 

[Goonie]

Thor,

Yes, do keep a close eye on your brother, Porky. If he enjoys cuddles that much, he just might be revealing our secrets and probably doesn't even know he did it.

Oscar

 

[Reptilover]

Yo yo yo today while i was taking a walk around the garden there was this thing invading my territory it was yellow with (fake) black spikes so i began to attack first i chewed off its head thinking my Human would try to breed theese creatures to fight me. so i gobbled it hoping it was a queen. Ohh my it was delicious, i could taste the flavors melting in my mouth. My slave saw me and laughed he said it was a caterpillar i saw nothing cater about it. Now i know ho they have found out about our plans and i know who the traitor is it must be thaat stupid pukeball furface that Izzie has to deaal with as you can see it hijacked our communications earlier. In order to dispose of this so calledtraitor we need to figure out how to get them banished from the premises of Izzies home.
Sincerely,
Mac Daddy G Puffort

 

[Sekhautet]

Yo yo yo today while i was taking a walk around the garden there was this thing invading my territory it was yellow with (fake) black spikes so i began to attack first i chewed off its head thinking my Human would try to breed theese creatures to fight me. so i gobbled it hoping it was a queen. Ohh my it was delicious, i could taste the flavors melting in my mouth. My slave saw me and laughed he said it was a caterpillar i saw nothing cater about it. Now i know ho they have found out about our plans and i know who the traitor is it must be thaat stupid pukeball furface that Izzie has to deaal with as you can see it hijacked our communications earlier. In order to dispose of this so calledtraitor we need to figure out how to get them banished from the premises of Izzies home.
Sincerely,
Mac Daddy G Puffort

All Recruits,

Izzie's furball may be the problem. We need to send a scout to confirm. Or perhaps, Izzie would like to handle this detail. I think this GT is a CAT.

A plan of action:

1) send in at least four mice to divert cat's attention

2) send in beardie's with a live trap on wheeled platform

3) send beardie into trap to place catnip cracker on trap mechanism

4) wait until cat has caught all mice, which shouldn't take that long since cats are good hunters

5) wait for cat to enter trap

6) snap! all beardie volunteers will secure wheeled trap with strong rope and haul CAT out of house

Mission accomplished.

Sincerely,

Tatsu

 

[brittany]

Dear Tatsu,
My human has one of these furry four legged creatures too. I know good torture methods to make them wail! Hehe. After we cart it away, can I torture it? I think it should be part of the plan as it will teach this unintelligent being not to mess with the bearides!

I have also established my temple of beardianity. Has any of my co-conspirators done so as well? My human doesn't get it to leave me alone while I am worshiping but after I return to my home I appologize and start again.

Tatsu, I think I need some one-on-one tutoring on being scary. Would you mind? :love5: I really like you--r..scaryness!

Best wishes to all and may we catch this traitor!!!!

Sincerely,
Kira