Thank you for the kind words.
The vet said she highly suspected cancer but to confirm it was of the liver she would have to do exploratory surgery that she was sure Anastasia wouldn't make it through. Believe me, I would plant my own dandelions, I would buy any medicine, I would spend hours each day hand-feeding and
bathing her... if there was any way to keep her happy and healthy.
But she wasn't happy and keeping her here any longer would be purely selfish. She could hardly move around. She would "get stuck" in a corner, hit her nose on the glass a few times and just lie down. So I would turn her. She would get too hot in her basking spot and turn bright white. So I would move her to the cool side. She would try to climb a low log and flip over on her back. So I put her upright and put blankies to form a ramp. She couldn't breathe well without an incline. So I held her at an incline. She wouldn't eat. So I force fed her and she still lost loads of weight.
And all the while a
black beard. She had no freedom or happiness. It's one thing to do everything for a pet till they get better. It's another to keep them alive when they don't want to be. When the doctor said she would only get worse and didn't have much time left anyway, I agonized over the thought of euthanasia for a few days. I didn't want her last few weeks to be more needles pulling fluid out and more forcing food in. She was too sweet and precious to deserve that.
I researched bearded dragon euthanasia extensively last night. If anyone is curious, veins are too hard to find for the standard dog/cat procedure and practices like freezing are outdated and inhumane. I snuggled her all morning and had a talk with her about the Rainbow Bridge and told her to look for Dally. The vet took her to another room. I have always stayed with my pets (and other people's) when it came to this time, but I've heard that reptiles will sometimes fight, especially if she could see me. I didn't want her to feel betrayed as her last thoughts and I didn't want my last image of her to be that. She was put in a gas chamber where she went to sleep quickly as she was so weak. Once they were sure she was out (reptiles sometimes hold their breath), she was injected with an overdose of chemicals. Because the brain can stay active up to an hour after everything else dies, I asked her to confirm brain death with doppler and use pithing if she had to. I just didn't want my little girl to suffer. Fortunately, Anastasia seemed "ready" and went quickly and peacefully with no issues.
The vet was great as I discussed all my concerns and said she would do the same thing in my position. They wrapped her up in her blankie with the monogram facing up in the center. (Don't know if blondie098/Dawn still frequents these forums, but she is the one who stitched the blankie for me.) We paid $30 (not sure if that's typical or if it was cheaper because I was bawling like a baby) and brought her home. We found a nice spot in the backyard for her. I may plant some flowers around the area.
I don't want to think of her thin and listless. I want to remember her in happy times.
Bath time with a creamy white beard:
An old favorite, attacking the silkworm:
The crew many years ago. They all had separate vivs where they couldn't see each other to avoid aggression, but at lights out I would let them out and they would snuggle together so sweetly. From left to right: Daliz (Feb '13), Anastasia (Sept. '14), Harlee (also nine years old, she better stay healthy!), Ozymandias (Nov '13). It's been a rough couple of years.
When I got Anastasia, I wasn't sure if she'd make it another week. But through abuse, being fed mice and carried by the tail, living in a cage with cobwebs, bugs, and bad lighting, having MBD, arthritis, and cancer... Anastasia not only lived, she remained kind and gentle. No one would blame her for not trusting humans or giving us a bite or a tail thrash when getting an injection, but she never did. I feel fortunate to have had her in my life. She may be "just a lizard" to some people, but to me she represents what I should strive to be- always kind to others in the face of adversity, and ever strong. She was loved dearly and is already greatly missed.
Apologies for the long post, but I needed to get this out. And I hope that this will help anyone else who is in a similar situation. They are incredibly resilient creatures and can recover from most things so let euthanasia be a last option, never to save yourself trouble, but to save them from suffering. Good reptile vets are hard to find, but they are out there, and the knowledge from the people on this site has been invaluable (thank you). Also, go give your beardie/cat/dog/whatever a big hug because you never know when you'll lose them.
