Tatsu: Can I join your army?

Dear Tatsu,

After the abuse I have suffered over the last few months, I would like to enlist in your army to help with world domination.

I have always been a very mellow dragon--I've never bitten anyone, I eat my salad, I sometimes poop in the right place, and I rarely complain about anything. I've only black-bearded once because I got scared. I always flash a cute smile and cuddle with my people.

To thank me for my good behavior, my people have resorted to torture--for months!

In September, I decided that it was time to brumate so I casually started to hide. All a dragon wants is a little sleep, you know? Would they let me? No! My people took me out of my cave and kept forcing me into the heat. I should have started biting then, but I was just too sleepy. Besides, I figured I could sneak into the cave when they weren't looking. To add insult to injury, they took away my cave so I couldn't do that either. Then, on top of everything else, they made me drink some yucky medicine because I supposedly had pinworms. Once I got better, they forced me to take more medicine because I supposedly had coccidia. How much torture is one dragon expected to take? I just wanted to sleep.

Well, after months of forced sleep-deprivation and medicine, they finally let me sleep. It was too late at that point. My rage started to build, and I almost contacted you.

Now, the torture has continued even more! I have decided to wake up because I've been feeling a bit amorous, shall we say. You'd think the people would be happy to see me awake. I've been running around, trying to get their attention, but what do they do? They just stand there and watch me. They distract me when I'm working up a black beard and take away my thunder. To top it off, they won't bring me a date! I don't ask for much. Let me sleep when I'm tired, and bring me a woman when I'm awake!

I've had it! I'm fed up! This torture has to stop.

Are you accepting new recruits? We can't allow dragons to suffer in this way!

Sincerely,
Aztec

P.S. They've nicknamed me Mr. Spaz which is highly demeaning in my present state.

 

[Dasanipig]

40) Kip (Commander of All Things Strawberry

ahahahahhahahha!! i literally cant breath im laughing so hard... how did that name come up!!

How dare you mock me! :x
In all respect, though, strawberries are my loyal subjects, and so is everything else relating to strawberries. End of story.

- Kip

Kip my deepest apology, my human in a bold move began conversing in a thread she has no authority , silly women, we manly beardies must strive to keep the likes of her away.

thats being said... tatsu i humbly offer my services to your army, and my story to add to the beardie tales of horror.

Today i finally had my fill of this women who claims to own me, in a moment of stupidity and sheer laziness she dropped TWO silkworms on my head.. she is aware of the rule that she must present me with my food, then leave the room so i can enjoy in peace, but today in her hurry to go to the mall, she dropped my breakfast in my cage, splattering calcium powder everywhere... and when she returned from this "mall" she proceeded to take me to the ivory bucket of doom, where i am forced to SWIM!

i have tolerated years of her torment, calling me her baby, and fabywaby, and the nausiating baby talk... and her painting my nails to match hers... i am a BOY ... boys do not need manicures... at last i have an outlet to my anger.

i offer to you.. my ability to procure vast amount of lettuce... my "owner" works in a grocery store and thus i am in supply of a sea of greens, i can fund the entire campaign for its duration.

your faithful follower
-Fabio

 

[Sekhautet]

Dear Fabio,

You do have a great burden to bear with your nicknames. They are quite girly. You poor dragon. I have added you to our list.

Tatsu


Latest List of Recruits

1) Spike
2) Puff (Leading Technician/Professor)
3) Aztec
4) Fergison (Official Forager for the army)
5) Hugh
6) Twitch
7) Ming
Scamps
9) Felix (Beardie Stealth Jedi)
10) Oscar (Ground Rumbling Master)
11) Izzie (Our Playstation Expert)
12) Ziggy
13) Yoshi
14) Rand (The Dragon Reborn)
15) Sonic
16) Soxs
17) Sol
1 Indiana (Assistant Forager for the army)
19) Thor (The Dark Side of the Force Enforcer)
20) Digger (Our XBOX Expert) CODE NAME: The Scrounger
21) Drake
22) Blaise (Passed Over the Rainbow Bridge in Loyal Service)
23) Lazarus (Our Poet Laureate)
24) Goober
25) Fido
26) Houdini (Australian Lizard Correspondent)
27) Quetzalcoatl
2 Bill
29) Porky (The Official Master of Head Stuck In Places Dragon Techniques
30) Faeor
31) Gizmo
32) Griffin (Playstation Expert # 2)
33) Puppy (Our Secretary and Publisher of the monthly newsletter)
34) Komode
35) Goddard
36) Rufus (Morse Code Master
37) Yongee (Code name: Light Foot)
3 Deuce
39) Lord Dante Caius, (Master of Manipulation and Influential tactics)
40) Kip (Commander of All Things Strawberry
41) Draco
42) Puff
43) Dino Dinkum
44) Snow
45) Leo the Great
46) Manheim
47) Fabio

 

[Styg]

Fellow Beardies, since I am the Official Master of Head Stuck In Places Technique, I thought I would write a short guide on my technique, so other beardies can master it as well.

Step 1: Gain weight. Eat everything and get supa fat. Not super fat, SUPA FAT. My name ain't Porky P. Fatso for nothin'.

Step 2: Find any sort of crevice. In your tank, outside, around a room, anywhere. Anyplace that looks like you MIGHT be able to just SQUEEZE in a bit. Perhaps a 2" gap between a wall and a piece of furniture, between basking rocks, etc.

Step 3: Proceed with squeezing, head first. You might need to tilt your head a bit.

Step 4: Begin wedging, and soon you will be stuck fairly well.

Step 5: Laugh while the silly human freaks out and tries to pull you out while at the same time berating themselves for not knowing to block every single little space.

- Porky, Master of etc etc

 

[Goonie]

Porky,

Your technique reminded me of when the human, who keeps calling herself "Mom", fed me crickets from a jar. She thought she was being so wise by using an empty cricket gut load jar to feed us crickets instead of having us chase them around in our tank. Because them darn things refused to walk to the lip of the jar to make that ultimate sacrifice, I had to help myself by sticking my head inside the jar. Well, little did I know that getting in was much easier than getting out. Because of our spikes, going backwards was not an option. I tried and tried and tried, but I was officially stuck.

If you ever wanted to see your human(s) go into a panic in a micro second, stick your head inside a jar that had an opening just slightly smaller than our heads. I thought she was going to have a heart attack! I had no idea what she was going to do to get my head out of that darn jar, and I was sure she didn't either because she had that "oh s***" look on her face. Instead of cutting the jar open (which would've been the easy thing to do), she stuck her fingers into the jar with me and pushed my spikes in, all the while pulling on my head. The more she pulled, the more I tried to go in farther. It was quite a battle. Finally, after much prodding and pulling, I was freed.

Needless to say, that was the last time I was fed from a jar. That horrible experience would have to be the worst one yet.

Felix

 

[twitterflix]

Almighty Tatsu

The stockpiles have grown into massive proportions. Thats all there is to say for now.
To world domination: Fergison

 

[Sekhautet]

Almighty Tatsu

The stockpiles have grown into massive proportions. Thats all there is to say for now.
To world domination: Fergison

Dear Fergison,

Please compile a list of addresses for all our recruits and start sending out supplies then.

Sincerely,

Tatsu

P.S. This is probably not necessary, but some of our beardie recruits specifically are in love with all things strawberry. So be sure to send some of those along, if they are plentiful. :wink:

 

[Goonie]

Fergison,

Make sure you send me tons of supers. I haven't had any in over 2 months that I don't believe I know what they look like anymore

Oscar

 

[athenacp]

Fergison,

Let me know what you need to distribute, see my prior post about the horde.

Digger

 

[twitterflix]

To all domination beardies,
I will start collecting your addresses.
1: Strawberrys are already on the list. I have a huge patch growing in my backyard and they have already started to ripen.
2: Supers are abundent in fact i almost have more of them than crickets.
3: The food needs rationing and distributing. I will send a list along later.

 

[athenacp]

Tatsu:

Add 20 walkie talkies to the list (2 blues, I love blue also)
Have 50 ladders all made so far, I will do a blue one for you, I had been using fishing line for the invisibility factor, I can do a blue one, not a problem.

Digger

PS-still working on quieting the motors for the portable heat tanks, the weather here has not been that great and I am fighting the big sleep, I am determined to get this done.

 

[lauraslizzard]

oooh I love the strawberries!! mmmmm!! Hmmm Maybe we can work a trade of some sort.... I have Lots and LOTS of Blueberries for the Campaign, and I am sure I can slip you a private stock of your own, for a few Strawberries! :wink: Think on it 8)

and Digger I may need one of those ladders to get to the blueberry horde from the slave's freezer. I will take one of your less visible ones, as I cant let the Slave in on to the plans. I am still awaiting any furthur news of a second Refrigerator, and will let you know of any changes in the Blueberry stockpile.

Drake, The Blue(berry) devil*

 

[bonsai.]

Tatsu,

Thank you for thinking of my affinity for strawberries. It is much appreciated.

- Kip, Commander of all things Strawberry

Fergison,

If you would please send me enough strawberries to last at least two months, that would be perfect. My human's straberry patch (except a few) has mostly failed. Foolish cretin. Many thanks.

- Kip

 

[twitterflix]

I have made the ration list for each beardie everyday.

20 large supers
75 crickets
30 butter worms
5 veggies of your choice
5 fruits of your choice

Anything else you guys want to be added just tell me and i will add it.

To World Domination: Fergison, Official World Domination Forager And Stockpiler

 

[athenacp]

Dear Drake,

I have stole...errr procured a total of 5 right now and am wondering on how to convert them to solar power as we need to keep our stash cold, but we cannot be assured of electricity when we go on our mission. I have one for your use if needed. As for the ladder, one will be on its way to you, if you need a spare let me know.

Dear gmallon,
I have a total of 100,000 superworms right now in a nice low cabinet on wheels that can be towed though I think a motor would be better. How many would you need to keep you in the meantime until I get a list of who needs what?

If anyone else needs anything let me know, my human has been leaving my cat carrier unlocked at night and I have been doing my scrounging then.

Digger the Scrounger

PS-Tatsu, in the xbox game Fable the human is trying to find some "blue mushrooms" apparantely these blue mushrooms have a determental effect on a human, I am attempting to find these for our use again the evil ones.

 

[athenacp]

Fergison,

I missed your message, let me know what else come thru that you need, it appears that we have butterworms, supers, and the berries covered in the food department.

Digger the Scrounger