Tatsu: Can I join your army?

Dear Tatsu,

After the abuse I have suffered over the last few months, I would like to enlist in your army to help with world domination.

I have always been a very mellow dragon--I've never bitten anyone, I eat my salad, I sometimes poop in the right place, and I rarely complain about anything. I've only black-bearded once because I got scared. I always flash a cute smile and cuddle with my people.

To thank me for my good behavior, my people have resorted to torture--for months!

In September, I decided that it was time to brumate so I casually started to hide. All a dragon wants is a little sleep, you know? Would they let me? No! My people took me out of my cave and kept forcing me into the heat. I should have started biting then, but I was just too sleepy. Besides, I figured I could sneak into the cave when they weren't looking. To add insult to injury, they took away my cave so I couldn't do that either. Then, on top of everything else, they made me drink some yucky medicine because I supposedly had pinworms. Once I got better, they forced me to take more medicine because I supposedly had coccidia. How much torture is one dragon expected to take? I just wanted to sleep.

Well, after months of forced sleep-deprivation and medicine, they finally let me sleep. It was too late at that point. My rage started to build, and I almost contacted you.

Now, the torture has continued even more! I have decided to wake up because I've been feeling a bit amorous, shall we say. You'd think the people would be happy to see me awake. I've been running around, trying to get their attention, but what do they do? They just stand there and watch me. They distract me when I'm working up a black beard and take away my thunder. To top it off, they won't bring me a date! I don't ask for much. Let me sleep when I'm tired, and bring me a woman when I'm awake!

I've had it! I'm fed up! This torture has to stop.

Are you accepting new recruits? We can't allow dragons to suffer in this way!

Sincerely,
Aztec

P.S. They've nicknamed me Mr. Spaz which is highly demeaning in my present state.

 

[Sekhautet]

Latest List of Recruits

1) Spike
2) Puff
3) Aztec
4) Fergison (Official Forager for the army)
5) Hugh
6) Twitch
7) Ming
8) Scamps
9) Felix (Beardie Stealth Jedi)
10) Oscar
11) Izzie (Our Playstation Expert)
12) Ziggy
13) Yoshi
14) Rand
15) Sonic
16) Soxs
17) Sol
18) Indiana (Assistant Forager for the army)
19) Thor (The Dark Side of the Force Enforcer)
20) Digger (Our XBOX Expert)
21) Drake
22) Blaise (Passed Over the Rainbow Bridge in Loyal Service)
23) Lazarus (Our Poet Laureate)
24) Goober
25) Fido
26) Houdini (Australian Lizard Correspondent)
27) Quetzalcoatl
28) Bill
29) Porky
30) Faeor
31) Gizmo
32) Griffin (Playstation Expert # 2)
33) Puppy (Our Secretary and Publisher of the monthly newsletter)
34) Komode
35) Goddard
36) Rufus

 

[Styg]

Dear Fellow Comrades,

I have come from a recent battle with my "human," and lived to tell about it

It started out normally enough. I was in my poor excuse for a "deluxe vision cage," poofing out my big manly beard, and flattening my torso. The human countered with "Aw, is my wittle baby showing off his big manly bearwd??" I then countered with the "look of death."

Then she opened the sliding doors (which I'm still trying to figure out), and proceeded to attack me. She/It proceeded to "tickle" my feet. I decided that a brief retreat was in order, and so I ran to my poor excuse for a "big boy rock."

She advanced, and again "tickled" me, right between my jowl and my shoulder. My head started twitching, despite my best efforts to control it and to not let her know that the tickling was working. She continued. I then used my hind leg to push her fingers away, sort of like that big furry slobbery thing.

But she was undeterred. She again tried to tickle me, determined to make me finally crack, once and for all. But I controlled that twitchy thing my head does when something tickles. I stayed completely still and ignored her continued pestering.

Eventually she got bored and left.

I have emerged from this battled, victorious but not unscathed. While no serious injuries occured, my manly lizard pride has taken a beating.

Tomorrow I shall show her the true meaning of my "big manly bearwd." er, "beard."

War is an ugly thing. But sometimes, it is necessary. I only pray that this bloody war ends soon, so future generations will know what peace is..

We shall never surrender.
-Thor, the Dark Side of the Force Enforcer.

 

[Sekhautet]

Dear Comrade Thor,

Truly, you have my sympathies. I too have survived a battle today. Not liking the fact that my human changed the floor of my home without my consent, I slunk into my cave/stump to sulk. I had been in there for almost two days and she was slowly growing more and more anxious, as usually, I am out and about in my home. She began by occasionally raising the lid on my home and calling to me. Sometimes I would answer her with a bleary eye, other times, I would feign sleeping until she left. Yesterday evening she became most frantic, as she is supposed to be watching my twitching symptoms for the vet (of course, I am doing this to her on purpose to observe how human slaves deal with emotional trauma and torture. The experiment is going quite well, by they way.) Anyhoo ... She starts drumming on the top of my home, which is quite rude, as I was enjoying a wonderful dream about a rondevue with Loiosh and was horribly interrupted to her ugly human paws on my roof, tap, tap, tapping. I gave her a beardie cold gaze and then turned to show her my tail. This approach worked until later this afternoon, when truly frustrated with me, as was my intention, she bluntly picked up my stump and exposed my vulnerable, naked, sleeping self to the heavens. :shock: :shock: Horrors, horrors, of horrors, to pull me out of bed and into the cruel harsh light of day.

She will pay for this, mark my words.

Sincerely,

Tatsu

P.S. Just to spite her, I ate some veggies that had fallen in my sand. Now she will be worrying about impaction for at least the next week.

 

[Styg]

Tatsu,

I dare say your owner is probably more cruel than mine.

Except for one thing. She thought I was spending too much time in my hidey hole, and so she stuffed it up with my "Mr. Alligator."

:evil: At least you're allowed to hide. Now I have to sleep ON TOP of my log!!!

-Thor

 

[April&Rand]

Konnichi wa, Tatsu-san!

Forgive me for not updating. My Mommy...er human has done a very tricksy thing: she has moved my tank near a window. Now, I cannot help but stare out from my hammock, hour after hour after hour. I forget everything except any movement from outside that glass. I am keeping watch! Yea, that's right!

She also got this game, something Zelda...bla bla. I don't care, but Mommy...er, well I have a nice warm belly to lay on while she stares at the noisy TV. Now, why does she squeek whenever I wiggle around, trying to make myself comfortable? Maybe it's a human weakness!

BTW, could my title be "The Bearded Dragon Reborn"?

 

[Styg]

Tatsu, since we're all talking about titles and my two brothers have them, could I be the "official-head-getting-stuck-in-places-all-the-time.....guy"???

See, my ingenious ability to get my head stuck in places can really be useful. I can block any sort of gaps, during warfare with the humans

-Porky (writing from between a rock and a stick)

 

[Sekhautet]

Latest List of Recruits

1) Spike
2) Puff
3) Aztec
4) Fergison (Official Forager for the army)
5) Hugh
6) Twitch
7) Ming
8) Scamps
9) Felix (Beardie Stealth Jedi)
10) Oscar
11) Izzie (Our Playstation Expert)
12) Ziggy
13) Yoshi
14) Rand (The Dragon Reborn)
15) Sonic
16) Soxs
17) Sol
18) Indiana (Assistant Forager for the army)
19) Thor (The Dark Side of the Force Enforcer)
20) Digger (Our XBOX Expert)
21) Drake
22) Blaise (Passed Over the Rainbow Bridge in Loyal Service)
23) Lazarus (Our Poet Laureate)
24) Goober
25) Fido
26) Houdini (Australian Lizard Correspondent)
27) Quetzalcoatl
28) Bill
29) Porky (The Official Master of Head Stuck In Places Dragon Techniques
30) Faeor
31) Gizmo
32) Griffin (Playstation Expert # 2)
33) Puppy (Our Secretary and Publisher of the monthly newsletter)
34) Komode
35) Goddard
36) Rufus

 

[Sekhautet]

Tatsu, since we're all talking about titles and my two brothers have them, could I be the "official-head-getting-stuck-in-places-all-the-time.....guy"???

See, my ingenious ability to get my head stuck in places can really be useful. I can block any sort of gaps, during warfare with the humans

-Porky (writing from between a rock and a stick)

Dearest Porky-Pie,

Your official title is now: Porky (The Official Master of Head Stuck In Places Dragon Techniques


Rand, I changed you to The Dragon Reborn as requested, though the title is vague as to what skill this involves that helps our army. Ah well ... Perhaps, you can enlighten us.

And Porky, the irony of a stuffed alligator keeping your from your den is NOT lost on me. Is it lost on you? I say shred the animal and regain your lizardness.

Sincerely,

Tatsu

 

[Goonie]

Tatsu,

My brother, Felix, didn't bother to clue me in on the request for special abilities and titles. He shall pay dearly for this :evil:

May I have the title of "Ground Rumbling Master"? I believe my ability to fiercely stomp my foot while black bearding and head bobbing would be quite beneficial, especially during combat. If our entire army does this at the same time, the ground would shake and the humans would think an earthquake is about to occur, which would send them running for cover.

I also wish to inform you that I've begun to eat my salad so I may bulk up and be ready for battle. My human thinks that I'm just being a good beardie by eating when told . . . HA!

Yours truly,

Oscar

 

[Styg]

"Hi, this is Porky...

So, I was thinking... our humans do alot of us. Like right now I'm shedding my snout, and my mommy gave me a bath and then she scratched my nosey for me... And she's warm and snuggly. So, I was thinking perhaps we should just call off the world domination thing...."

*Lazy tackles Porky*

"No, Porky! You have to remain strong! It's just mommy brainwashing you! Don't give in! Fight the Dark Side!!!"

"I'm Trying!! But her warm neck just makes me wanna fall asleep! Getting so sleeepyyyy....."

"Fight it, Porky! Fight it!! Think of how fulfilling life will be once we've taken over! We could have whatever we want! We could have... GIRLFRIENDS!!!!"

"Girlfriends?!"

"Girlfriends!!!"

"I like girlfriends!! With big bellies, and scales, and sexy long tails?!"

"Yeah!"

"You're right!! Mommy would never let us have those..."

"So we have to fight the humans!!"

"You're right!! *phew* Thanks Lazy! Mommy almost had me with her crazy manipulative ways..."

 

[Sekhautet]

Latest List of Recruits

1) Spike
2) Puff (Leading Technician/Professor)
3) Aztec
4) Fergison (Official Forager for the army)
5) Hugh
6) Twitch
7) Ming
8) Scamps
9) Felix (Beardie Stealth Jedi)
10) Oscar (Ground Rumbling Master)
11) Izzie (Our Playstation Expert)
12) Ziggy
13) Yoshi
14) Rand (The Dragon Reborn)
15) Sonic
16) Soxs
17) Sol
18) Indiana (Assistant Forager for the army)
19) Thor (The Dark Side of the Force Enforcer)
20) Digger (Our XBOX Expert)
21) Drake
22) Blaise (Passed Over the Rainbow Bridge in Loyal Service)
23) Lazarus (Our Poet Laureate)
24) Goober
25) Fido
26) Houdini (Australian Lizard Correspondent)
27) Quetzalcoatl
28) Bill
29) Porky (The Official Master of Head Stuck In Places Dragon Techniques
30) Faeor
31) Gizmo
32) Griffin (Playstation Expert # 2)
33) Puppy (Our Secretary and Publisher of the monthly newsletter)
34) Komode
35) Goddard
36) Rufus (Morse Code Master)

 

[Sekhautet]

Porky,

I request that you send at least ten supers to all of the recruits as penance.

You need to give your brother Thor your share of the raspberries for a week, as he has saved you from a horrible fate, human domination.

Sincerely,

Tatsu



Dear Oscar,

Your title has been added to the list.

Sincerely,

Tatsu

 

[sniches]

Dear Tatsu,

I wish to become the army's Leading Techician/ Professor. I can fix our weaponry with the flick of a tail and I have found a formula composed of chemicals to make the human's eyes all watery and bloodshot. It hurts painfully if you angle and squirt it directly into thrie eyes. I have altered it, but have not created it myself. The humans made it, and I believe they call it "Dish Soap"Please Inform us when we have enough recruits, and I need somebody to take some of the weapons off my hands, as my stockpile is becoming larger and larger, and I may not be able to keep it a secret much longer.

Your Future Leading Techician/ Professor,
Puff A.K.A Red 5

 

[Styg]

Porky,

I request that you send at least ten supers to all of the recruits as penance.

You need to give your brother Thor your share of the raspberries for a week, as he has saved you from a horrible fate, human domination.

*SIGH* Okay......

-Porky, Official Master of Head Stuck In Places Dragon Technique

*snickers* Little do they know, I have a stash of raspberries behind my rock! Bwahahahaha!!!!

Oh wait, did I just type that out loud? Darnit, where's that backspace button.... whoopsies, I just clicked on "submit"....

 

[beardies4us]

Well since everybody else is getting titles..can I have the title," Morse Code Master", as I am still working on perfecting it with my roomate below me, Goddard. Goddard hasn't been very willing to return my messages, something about having to tap the code out on her ceiling (our enclosures are stackable and I have the upper bunk). She did get a new rock wall and has been making lots of noise, but nothing I can make out as of yet as usable in the code system, apparently she didn't read the same book as I did. We will work on that.

Maybe we could have some new suggestions for names as well...Rufus and Goddard aren't very acceptable for girls...apparently my humans couldn't tell the difference when we were tiny and I am getting a little sick of being refered to as a boy...wait maybe the ability to magically change sexes can be of use in the world domination plot.....hmmmm...I will get back to you.

Loyally,
Rufus (for now)