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Bearded Dragon Discussions
Beardie ER
Death of my heart
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[QUOTE="RachelG, post: 2032470, member: 89494"] [SIZE=5]Thank you for the favor of a reply. I am heartbroken. I don't even want to see my other pets or my kids and husband. I am just going through the motions with them. I'm disgusted with myself for that, but it's a muted disgust, background noise. Thoughts of Lenny consume me. I'm second guessing everything that I've ever done (or didn't do) for him, and kicking myself for not spending more time with him.. at first, i consoled myself somewhat on those counts, because I know his husbandry was by the book (and this site), and I had the luxury of resources to spend on him. He lacked nothing. I raised his roaches myself. He had regular vet care. He got his vitamins. His bulbs and temps were constant and monitored. He traveled with us. He had enclosures at all the grandparents' houses. He was so wanted and so loved. I thought about how nothing that came in contact with him had changed in the past 90 (or more) days, but then I remembered that I replaced a bulb in September. His temps were one degree cooler after the replacement, but I left it. I curse myself and that bulb now. I touched up our downstairs cabinet paint last month too. I've painted whole rooms in years past, and I just did what I always do, leave the doors and windows open...until I had to go pick up the kids. On Saturday night, Lenny was downstairs in my lap eating bugs and his weekend blueberries, watching a movie with us on his heated massage pillow. This was a usual weekend occurrence. I knew I should've taken him up to bask after eating but I was exhausted and fed him late, then kept him until the movie was over. His lights were out when I put him up. My son later told me that late Sunday night (before I found him on Monday) he was awoken by Lenny scratching but went back to sleep when he stopped. I assured him this wasn't his fault, but immediately alarm bells went off in my head. It was my fault. What had been going on? What was he doing? Was he distressed? Could I have intervened? I should've heard Lenny and checked him out. I should've known or felt or seen something, done something. I'll never be able to get over that. I wasn't there. I'll always be thinking about how I killed my poor baby with that new bulb, or paint fumes, or that night I selfishly kept him downstairs after eating. How can I ever get over knowing that I held his precious life entirely in my hands and I carelessly let it slip away without even realizing?[/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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Beardie ER
Death of my heart
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