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Bearded Dragon Discussions
Beardie ER
Death of my heart
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[QUOTE="RachelG, post: 2032453, member: 89494"] The day drew on and still I stalled until I could stall no more. I had to pick up the kids soon and there was no denying that he was bloating now. I knew I couldn't keep him another day. I don't know where I got the fluid, but I was still steadily crying. I drove to the vet bawling, hoarse, exhausted and miserable. The staff was again incredibly compassionate to me. I know they knew I'd be back. They gave me their sad, kind eyes and their sad, soft words and I just let them. I let them tell me about their packages. I wanted him back so I opted for a private cremation. I wanted to know where he'd be kept and where he'd be cremated and when I'd get him back. After everything was chosen and paid, I found that I still couldn't leave. I couldn't let him go yet. I wasn't ready. I wanted that private room. I wanted more time with him. I stayed in that room with him, holding him again, speaking to him, stroking him. I told him that I know he's not in this body anymore, but I couldn't let go because it looks just like him. I had read in the pet loss book that speaking to your pet can help, so I went on and on but honestly it hurt more. I remembered being in that very room for one of his yearly visits and the vet wanted a fecal sample but I didn't want them to swab him, so I offered to bring the sample when he went. Before the vet could respond, Lenny shat on the exam table. Classic. But the memory just hurt. He would never soil an exam table again. I dissolved into tears, unable to talk for a while. My baby was really gone. I stayed in there crying and talking until I was going to be late to get my children. I almost called my MIL to pick them up so I could stay, but I knew my son needed me. I finally left Lenny, but I wasn't ready. I'd never be ready. I felt like I was abandoning him. I picked up the kids and brought them home. My son was grateful and seemed soothed to see all the prints and keepsakes. He planned to keep them in Lenny's vivarium as a memorial. I told him that sounded beautiful, a wonderful way to pay tribute to Lenny's memory. Inside, I was appalled. I suddenly hated the idea of any memorial, or any keepsakes. I could never let them go, EVER, but I hated that they existed in Lenny's absence. I was devastated all over again but I kept this from him. I bought my son the Kindle book Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet by Moira Anderson Allen and he seems to really be finding comfort in it. For that I'm grateful, but I'm not comforted by it one bit. I'm a mess. This has been, without a doubt, the worst 36 hours of my life. I've never known pain like this. My heart is broken and I'm just raw with misery and emotion. How does anyone recover from such a loss? My beautiful beardie, my precious Lenny, my Jiggly Guy... how can I live without him? How does anyone get past this? How can time keep passing without him? I just had to get that out. The book said that writing might help, but I don't feel better. I don't see how I ever will. [/QUOTE]
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Beardie ER
Death of my heart
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