I killed my bearded dragon

[viviannahodges]

I have to express my despair. He was very sick and I couldn’t rely on my mother to help me. I also have money trauma from never having enough when it came to me because I was the last of three kids. The same thing happened with my baby snapping turtle. I neglected him because I couldn’t feed him nor did I have the funds myself. My sister ended up with a dog which made my mother complain about money issues more. I wanted to save up enough so I can comfortably take care of him but now I realize I should’ve spent it anyway and focused on the now.

I couldn’t find a vet in time or couldn’t book an appointment. It’s my fault, I wanted a snake but then I settled for a bearded dragon. I hit to know him and we were inseparable. My family kept bashing him and how he’s dirty and not to have him around, but yet when my sister ended up with a dog it was totally fine. I neglected him because my mother did it to me, mentally and emotionally and it manifested into reality. I was so hurt and damaged by family that the part of me that loved him was gone too.

I tried giving him vitamins, tried feeding him, he was a picky eater but whenever we had something he liked in the house I’d try and give it to him since he didn’t care much for super worms or dubia roaches.

I had a feeling this would happen too. I’d loose him because I still rely on others, but he died on my watch. I would feed at least once a week or tried to stretch it out because I have so much anxiety from asking my mom for help. It costed his life. I don’t know what to do with his body. I don’t feel deserving of keeping his cremation, he doesn’t deserve to be buried in the yard of this house where J was traumatized and because of that he was killed slowly. I want to cremate him and throw his ashes into the sand at the beach but he doesn’t like water. I thought about turning him into a crystal stone and putting him on a window sill since he loved watching the day go by the window. I feel guilty but I know it’s not entirely my fault but it is and I dont feel I deserve to keep his cremation or visit his grace if I bury him in an animal cemetery. What could I do?

 

[jabda]

Would you enough money to cremate? If so, why wouldn't you buy food?
Don't want to sound mean but it was your fault. So, stop try to justify with all this double talk. A solution to your problem would have been to put him up for adoption.
Please don't buy another until you have the finances to support your pets.
Sorry if I was a little harsh but as your title states, you did kill your dragon.

 

[DorgEndo]

This is a complex issue. With the dysfunction in your family I highly suggest burying him or putting cremation remains in a pet cemetery. Move the remains out of that house. Because if the remains are around in any shape I worry that it will cause you further distress if they are damaged or lost. You want to remember your beardie so get the remains to a pet cemetery.

As for the issues beyond this forum. Is there an adult you trust? Someone who can help you? I don't know if you are in school but you need to work on your own life. I am sure you know that, but you have to let yourself start. Nothing is perfect, you'll never not make mistakes, but you deserve more than what you have. Work on you. Graduate school, go to a vocational training, something to get yourself independent. I don't know your life, so I hope this doesn't seem callous, if you can't work well with your family right now don't work with them. Help yourself